Was I a controlling gf?

Me and my ex have had an on again off again relationship for years. I think the reasons he broke up with me the past two times are because he is a people pleaser and a mama's boy. His mother used to accuse me of being controlling and when I was looking up controlling behavior I was scared to think that its possible I could be because one of the behavioral traits described something in our relationship and also because people pleasers tend to fall for controlling types.





In our relationship, he never expressed when he was mad at me and he rarely planned things he wanted to do. However, on the few occasions he had ideas of what he wanted to do I was willing to do them and never said no except on two occasions. He wanted to go to a theme park and I said no because I was scared of rollercoasters and because he wanted to go to the pool and I was ashamed of how I would look in a swimming suit. I don't know why he never expresses how he feels when he is mad at me. He usually ends up doing it when we break up and I try to work on things with him but then he becomes unresponsive. I never hit him or hurt him in any way. I never tried to keep him from his friends. He was friends with girls though who he had relationships with and that was the only situation in which I would feel uncomfortable or jealous. Other than that, I never was. However, the first time we broke up was because his parents interfered in our relationship and I didn't like it, I received a rude call from his stepfather telling me I "couldn't crowd the relationship and be a dominatrix either." That call really upset me. I got this call as a result of telling my bf that I was upset. I had valid reason to be upset too but had not told my bf the reason yet, when I received that call. When we dated again I didn't want him telling his mom anything about our relationship because she thinks no girl is perfect for her son and would continue to tell him things like I was controlling.





What I observed this time when we broke up was that his friends would tell him that he was never happy when he was with me and they wouldn't like that he was on the phone with me and tell him he was always on the phone with me, but we had a long distance relationship. His friends never complained about his other friend who also had a long distance relationship leaving to take calls. After these comments, he stopped calling me as much and would call me late at night when he was too exhausted to even talk and I started to get upset at this. Also when we got into the fight where we broke up this time, he turned to his friends and they all said we should break up. The fight was over him staying a Friday night with his friends, or coming home to see me. I wanted him to come home to see me cause I was hardly talking to him and knew I wouldnt see him for months, but his friends would see him everyday. He is constantly pleasing his friends and will drive them around everywhere and even waste his gas money on them because he says he enjoys making people happy, even though other times he has admitted he has felt used and doesn't think these people are really his friends. He would also take care of all of them when they would get drunk but express to me that if he got drunk he doesn't think that they would care. He has also admitted to wanting people to like him because when he was younger he was an outcast and ridiculed by the other children. I noticed that he would change things about himself because he would think it would make others like him and I would ask him why do you want to change yourself for others?





When we break up he also fails to tell me the real reason behind it and so often it leads to me going crazy because I want an answer for what happened and think I deserve that much so I will call him and text him trying to get an answer. I have never tried telling him how he should dress, act, etc. I don't think I have ever tried to change him. I have never broken things or hit him. However, sometimes I will push for things i want and see if he will give in and ask a few times but if he says no, I know no means no.





However, the biggest attribute of a controlling person that scared me was that a controlling person will blame things on his friends or his mom saying he needs to cut the apron strings. I do believe this is true of me, however, I think my reasons are valid. I also get jealous easily, but I don't mind him being friends with other girls. I mostly get jealous when someone puts a move on him or he has had a relationship with a girl in the past.





Am I controlling?|||I have dealt with controlling. You are not that. It sounds like he does have issues not only making his own decisions but it also sounds like he talks badly about you to his friends and family when you fight. When a couple fights its not always a good idea to go to friends and family about the fight...they are biased and of course are only hearing one side of the story and most friends and family will not tell their loved one when they have done something wrong, they will justify the wrong actions. Making it even easier for him to always lump the blame on you. Some men do this to make themselves look like the victim and it goes right along with not wanting to make any decisions. They are both a way to get around having to take responsibility for their part in anything. And anyone with any sense knows that friends and family cannot and should not get involved between two people in a relationship. That is a sure way to doom any relationship. Its not fair that any time you have a fight you get ganged up on by both him and whoever is backing him up, be it friends or parents. This guy sounds like he has a lot of problems. You would be doing yourself a favor to move on.|||haha no. your just like me. my boyfriend broke up with me after 2 years because he wanted his high school experience. guys are dumb. its not even worth fighting over. they dont get it...





find someone who enjoys making you happy|||hey, you're just like my girlfriend. i feel like i have the same situation as you too, but i play the guy part haha. my girlfriend and i haven't broke up yet and we have been together for more than 8 months. i think i am a people pleaser also. my mom and my girlfriend tells me this all the time. i dont think you are controlling. when you make comments of not going to amusement parks and all that other stuff, they are just suggestions. and if i were him, the reason we dont go is because we just take into consideration and not go.





for example last monday, my swim team was holding a social event at an airsofting place and i really want to go because it would have been really fun. but my girlfriend said she didnt want me to go because it was dangerous. i didnt believe it was dangerous, but after the event was over everyone who went complained about how they were bleeding and hurting. luckily i didnt go. haha





my girlfriend is stubborn sometimes but guess what i love her. we are people pleaser and we want everyone to be happy :)





i hope this helps you.|||You maybe controlling but we all have aspects of everything in our personalities. Even controlling people have submissive sides so i would not say your extremely controlling more like you it is a side of you. From what you have written was the ill kill myself statement over the top? Yes way too much. But other then that i agree with your reasons for acting how you did. People always just look at what a person is doing but never the why. The truth was he was letting other people control him because of his past. You care about this guy so where frustrated that when it came to stepping up to the plate he never did. His family has no right calling you about your personal relationship. I once had a girl who stalked me who was not really all there and even then i handled it because its not anyone else business. A true man may ask for help because we all need it especially with things where not familiar with that is a strength. It is a weakness when that person is not self reliant to an extent. His friends can say all they want bad about you but at the end of the day there using him while you just want him. Both of you need to grow up for you two to succeed. No one cheated and the feelings are still there so it is not so bad. The chance is still there.