Is this Descriptive Enough?

I was once told that a brilliant author tells their story in lots of detail. I want to be an author.





Here is part of my story.





The sky had darkened for the winter months yet here I still sat, staring into the lake, looking for nothing yet searching for everything. I had sat in this exact place at this time everyday for the past three months. I would run from school the moment the bell went and I would just sit and stare, I would watch the fish bob up to the surface looking for a scrap of food, I would hear the squawking of the birds as they set off for somewhere warmer and I would take a mental note of how much more the lake had begun to ice over, I would trace the edges of the lake now covered in ice and I would think about how nice it would be to get trapped under that ice and never have to come up again, this was my sanctuary. But my sanctuary was about to be ruined.





“Hey Christelle,” called Deon as he saw me just sitting there.


“Go away,” I moaned under my breath, he was going to ruin everything for me, he was going to ruin me, whenever he was around he made me feel like hoping, he made me feel happiness and that wasn’t something I could risk feeling.


“What are you doing out here, all alone, without a jacket in this weather?” He was concerned about me, I really wished he wasn’t, I would just hurt him, the thought of hurting sweet, caring Deon made me want to cry.


“I’m thinking about what topic I want to write on for that 5000 word essay we have to write on,” I lied smoothly, to be me, you had to be a good liar.


“Ahh, the essay, I’m doing a comparison between the movie and the book of Frankenstein. What are you doing yours on?”


‘Oh ****, I don’t know. Quick think of something’. “Umm, I’m writing mine on the psychological profile of Adolf Hitler and how if he had the chance to follow his dreams of being an artist then he wouldn’t have become a controlling, power hungry, man who had part in causing the second world war.”


“That sounds complicated, like it needs a lot of research. I only need to read a book and watch a movie. Hey, umm, would you like to,” his question was cut short by his phone ringing, he picked it up looking embarrassed, I just looked out at the lake again and blocked the world away from me, I discretely looked at my watch, ‘Oh Crap, I was late, I was going to be punished, just like I always was when I was late.’ Deon was off the phone and was looking at me expectantly, I realised he had just said something.


“Sorry did you say something?”


“Don’t worry about it, I have to go anyway,” he looked upset about something, “Bye.”


“See you tomorrow,” I said watching him go with tears in my eyes, I just watched him walk away from me not knowing if he would ever come back, I always did that; I pushed people away until they never came back.





As if in sync the tears ran down my face as the clouds began to cry and thunder cracked in the distance. The rain became heavier and heavier and I started sobbing louder and louder until I was absolutely emotionally spent, I looked at my watch which was no longer working due to all the water. I slowly got off the painted green bench and walked through the park, I walked past the lake and through the thin trees that had no leaves, when I reached the gates to the park I ran, I ran past the grafftied shops and the litter strewn highschools and I kept running faster until I was sprinting until I reached my front gate to enter my personal hell and suffer the inevetiable.


This is mine, imagine a copyright sign, (C) of Isobel Trundle.





Is this okay for description. I think it needs more but i need someone elses opinion and i don't want to ask my friends because they may not give me the truth.|||Yes it's real descriptive.


You can already gather a lot about your main character.


Perhaps adding a full stop or two because you tend to make really long sentences- or the use of a semicolon ; here and there to help ?


You can add to it by using some more sophisticated vocab as well- such as replacing 'green' with 'emerald, lime or ivy' or replacing 'I started sobbing louder and louder' with 'I began to cry, trembling sobs escaped me and eventually i was howling with pain...'


Use descriptions to extend the readers minds- the use of imagery when describing the ice on the lake could be further enhanced by using either a simile or metaphor- (look it up if you don't know)


"I would trace the edges of the lake now covered in ice..." describe this better, e.g.:


'I could trace the fresh ice that had sprawled itself across the lake, like long extended branches...'


Your main character is obviously dark with a 'emo' streak if you will, you can use this in your description more because you have written in first person you have this advantage-


e.g. "I walked past the lake and through the thin trees that had no leaves"


try speaking about the surroundings with the character's mood, something like:


'I tread through the park with it's trees as thin as limb children of starvation, soon to die without substance, just a scattering of pitiful leaves on each branch...'





using personification and onomatopoeia are good too. Personify the thunder or other parts of nature 'the thunder shrieked and roared...'





Otherwise sounds good. Just edit bit that could be made shorter by creating new sentences as some are long enough.


good luck.