Can you please read my story...what do you think?

Please read this part first, or this won't make sense. Sorry, it's really long, but could you please read at least some of it and tell me what you think? I'm going to edit out some of the too long descriptions as in "he said BLANKily, as he BLANK BLANK", like someone said. I did it a bit, I'll do it later.


Please could you give only constructive criticism, I'm 14 years old. If you could say the good parts too so I don't change them?


In the first post (the other question) I copied and pasted wrong, so ignore the start, and go to additional details.





http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…





The rest so far...





In the distance they could see Anne starting the engine of her 4WD, steering into another street and out of their sight.


“Phew!” sighed Adam, returning to the driver’s seat and running his fingers through his light reddish-brown hair. “That was close. Let’s keep going, the faster we get out of Brisbane, the better.”





Shane’s loud crunching of Smith’s potato chips was drowned out by the sudden roar of the engine as Adam started the car. They drove silently for a few hours, excluding Shane’s crunches and the beeping noises from Bradley’s PSP, until the sky had turned a brilliant shade of violet, and Adam’s eyes begun to droop.


“We should park somewhere for the night,” he yawned, his mouth open gargantuously.


“Don’t need to see your breakfast,” Shane said jokingly, his head leaning on the van window.


In front of them was only the highway, and the possibility of stopping at any soon moment seemed diminutive. Adam’s blinks were turning more into short naps as they drove on, and every few minutes the van would start veering off the correct lane when Adam’s sleeping arm lost control of the steering wheel.





“Adam!” Bradley shouted suddenly, his eyes tearing away from the PSP in his hands. Adam awoke for a brief second, but soon his head was lolling around his chest again. They were no longer on the highway, but a more deserted road that looked as though it was half bitumen and half dirt. The more immediate problem, rather than the unlevel road they were on, however, was that in directly in front of them, less than five centimetres away, was a massive truck with a trailer labelled ‘Nathaniel and Penelope’s Large Farm Animals’.





“Adam, steer to the right!” Bradley called, but upon receiving no response from Adam, he clambered over the table and mini sofa in his way to reach the driver’s seat. He pulled the steering wheel to the right sharply, causing the van’s left wheels to leave the ground momentarily. They were no longer so close behind the truck in front of them, but Bradley’s abrupt steering of the van had caused it to crash into the back of the truck’s trailer.


“What’s going on?” Adam had awoken, and his eyes were wide with fright.


“Is someone hurt?” shouted Shane, also recently awake. “I heard a crash!”


“We’re fine,” Bradley said nervously. “I don’t know about the farm animals though.”





Though neither the van nor the trailer had suffered much damage, the van had collided in the exact point in the trailer where the latch to close the trailer door was. Suddenly, the back wall of the massive trailer fell back onto the road, revealing a menagerie within it.


“Oh, crap,” said Adam quietly. Realising they were free; the animals in the trailer were running out of the trailer desperately.





A man and a woman, who they all assumed were Nathaniel and Penelope, emerged from the front section of the truck with appalled faces.


“Excuse me!” the woman was stomping towards the van looking utterly enraged. “Help us!”


Bradley, Adam and Shane raced out of the van at record speed, a mean feat considering they had been driving around all day. Cows, sheep, pigs and horses were running around madly.


“I got it, I got it!” Shane was yelling, finally managing to sit on a sheep and stop it escaping.


“Get off, you stupid boy!” the woman screamed in a thick accent. “You will kill the sheep!”


Shane stood embarrassedly, grabbing the sheep by its collar instead.


“Sorry,” he mumbled. The sheep stood up alright, though looking positively flustered. The rest of the twenty or so animals were running crazily around the truck and Astrid, mostly in circles, though a cow could be seen running off into the moon.


“Here, cowy, cowy, cowy,” Adam cooed to the running cow’s behind. Even though slightly shorter than the other two, Adam ran the fastest, so he began chasing the cow. Not long after, he’d grabbed its collar, but the cow didn’t look too pleased.|||Why don't you submit this on a writing site? Like quizilla or the other ones? You'll get a lot more feedback