My book so far - it's my fifth attempt - I did more but the limit is 5000 characters?

It was near enough pitch black as I walked barefoot along the damp ground of this unknown pavement on an unknown street. I kept walking anyway, the only noise being my silver bangles clanking against each other making an unnerving rhythm which echoed through this night. What I heard then was the clanking of a train in the distance for a moment. It soothed me so I listened until it had faded away. I saw my first artificial light as I turned the corner. I walked through the gates to see that it was a flickering street lamp next to a wooden bench; the arm rests on either side dripping water. I sat on it awhile for a rest and to clear my head when I then saw what appeared to be a shadow each time that the light flickered back on and it wasn鈥檛 mine. At the side of my face, in the corner of my eye, I could see frosted breath. I could feel it tickling my cheek and I didn鈥檛 dare turn.





A hiss came as I saw the white misty breath once more. Then it was gone. I stood and turned hastily, panting with fear as I did. There was nothing there. Scared, I ran to the gate. It had been locked by heavy steel chains. How? I rattled these iron bars and screamed and cried but I wasn鈥檛 strong enough and nobody was going to help me. I turned and slid my back down the moist twisted bars of the gate, crying silently.


This was no use. Crying to myself would get me nowhere. A rat scurried across my feet, and I could hear the patter as it 鈥?like every noise 鈥?faded into the black.





I stood, trying to control my frantic breath and slow my battling heart. My feet made no sound as of that moment and I held my arm to stop the chiming of my bracelets. There were trees on either side of me, all in a seemingly symmetrical line. They shivered as the frosty wind came swirling past, blowing my white hair behind me. I came to a fork in the path; there were three ways to go. Straight ahead, through more of the parallel trees; down beside a lake, surrounded by rusted black fencing; into the very black, where nothing could be seen past a metre of the 鈥榝ork鈥? I was most afraid of this path, maybe why it would be the best choice.





I went to the right, every footstep growing shorter, and each minute my heart rate was increasing. I could see nothing. I was afraid and I thought it irrational, after all that鈥檚 what the dark was. An irrational fear that many people thought rational. I kept moving and just hummed a pleasant tune to make myself feel better. It didn鈥檛 work. It was as though this park sucked the happiness out of everything, and left me with a chill. I ran again, trying to keep as quiet as I could.





I heard rustling next to me and I whimpered like an animal, but kept going. The noise followed me and I tried my very hardest to ignore it, to keep myself sane. Finally I saw a light and I ran so much faster towards it, keeping it in my sight and blocking out of my mind anything else I might鈥檝e seen, a mistake in the highest degree. It pounced on me, screeching.





Because of the 5000 character allowance I couldn't fit everthing on here :/|||Less is often more. There is a lot in your story that is completely unnecessary and distracting. Trust your reader to draw certain connections. Here is a version of your story I鈥檝e trimmed/edited. I think it sounds a lot smoother now. How about you?


You start a lot of sentences with 鈥業鈥? and 鈥業 saw鈥? 鈥業 heard鈥? Often, this is unnecessary. The reader knows that the story is told in first person perspective.





You're 'showing, not telling'. Instead of telling us that the character is crying, show us her glistening cheeks.





Honestly, I think you could still edit a lot in what I鈥檝e left behind, but you鈥檝e got an interesting start to something. Keep it up.





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It was pitch black as I walked barefoot along the damp ground. My silver bangles clanked against each other in an unnerving rhythm which echoed through the night. A train rattled [you had 鈥榗lanking鈥? but you just used that for bracelets] in the distance. I listened until it faded away. I saw artificial light as I turned the corner and walked through the gates. A street lamp flickered next to a wooden bench; the arm rests dripping water. I sat down to rest and clear my head, but each time the light flickered back on, a shadow moved. In the corner of my eye, I could see frosted breath. It tickled my cheek and I didn鈥檛 dare turn.





A hiss came as I saw the white misty breath once more. Then it was gone. I stood and turned hastily, panting with fear. There was nothing there. I ran to the gate. It was been locked by heavy steel chains. How? I rattled the iron bars and screamed and cried. I wasn鈥檛 strong enough and nobody was going to help me. I turned and slid my back down the moist twisted bars, crying silently. It was no use. A rat scurried across my feet. The patter of its feet faded into the black.





I stood, trying to control my frantic breath and slow my battling heart. My feet made no sound and I held my arm to stop the chiming of my bracelets. Trees lined either side of me. They shivered as the frosty wind came swirling past, blowing my white hair behind me. I came to a fork in the path; there were three ways to go. Straight ahead, through more of the parallel trees; down beside a lake, surrounded by rusted black fencing; into the very black, where nothing could be seen past a metre of the 鈥榝ork鈥? I was most afraid of this path, maybe why it would be the best choice.





I went to the right. My heart raced. I could see nothing, but I kept moving and just hummed a pleasant tune to make myself feel better. It didn鈥檛 work. This park sucked the happiness out of everything, and left me with a chill. I broke into a run.





I heard rustling next to me and I whimpered like an animal. The noise followed me and I tried my very hardest to ignore it, to keep myself sane. Finally, I saw a light and I ran for it, keeping it in my sight and blocking out of my mind anything else I might鈥檝e seen. A mistake in the highest degree. It pounced on me, screeching.|||I like it a lot. The mood is very clear, which can be difficult when writing. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading the rest, despite the 5000 character limit! Hope this helps!