Advice on confrontational situations please ?

i have dealt with rage and anger all my adult life now due to severe bullying and victimisation......i have BPD and ptsd.





im 30 years old and have had a very difficult unfortunate life so far..





growing up i fought with blacks in secondary school and was also ganged up on and victimised severley by them when i was on my own..








since then many traumatic things have occured all the way through my life.





i live alone on disability and are starting from scratch in life.





i dont have much possessions.





never been employed or gained qualifications etc.





the system has failed me up until recentley as ive not always had consistent care, support and a diagnosis..





i used to have problems with rage and rage outbursts in public, which stems from the bullying i suffered, i would cause myself public embarressment and humiliation and sometimes to be attacked because i lost control of my aggression , paranoia etc.





ive made vast improvements with anger and rage over the years, havent had an outburst for years......however sometimes i have setbacks which i get immensley disappointed about..





its a constant battle to control anger and aggression and theres times if i feel paranoid that people are singling me out......being aloof towards me....playing mind games.....or i interpret a threatening situation........or i see people living their happy lives it can all spark the rage feelings.





which im hoping therapy can help me with, because i accept i have made progress but still have great distances to go..





i suffer low self worth......bad anxiety attacks....struggle to build any social relationships....get clingy.......struggle to control aggression etc..





the other day, i took my bike out for a ride, in effort to get out...get excercise.....get my weight down etc..





because most times i stay cooped inside because of anxiety and ptsd symptoms.








whilst i was out riding my bike, my anger was surfacing again....but not in a bad way.......i was taking my aggression out riding my bike fast......clenching my teeth.......glaring with a serious angry expression.....which i regret now because i didnt plan to get that angry...





whilst riding up a hill, i stopped got off my bike and paused for a rest as i think i over did the excercise..





i took my water bottle out and sat down and rested my bike against the wall for a moment while taking a breather.





something unusual to me then happened, accross the road, but slightly further up, a big expensive sports car parked up, and a big skin headed black guy got out, who was muscular....appear like he worked out and did training etc..





it was unusual because i dont see many black people in the area i live...but ive started to notice some more and more.....which aggrevates my ptsd and aggression because in the past i had many problems with them and was ganged up on by them...





while i was sat down resting with my water bottle, the guy a bit further up, got out of the car.....and cast a lingering look my way.........i held his gaze and he just continued over the road..





he stared at me like he was saying' have i got a problem ' or ' i have a problem with what your doing on your bike etc '..





i didnt understand this behaviour, and felt quite annoyed, angry and aggressive he should target me.....as i have lived in the area 4 years now..





to be honest i struggle to like black people because of all the treatment and bullying i suffered from them.....and when i used to fight them in school....me and a group of others vs ....many large black gropus of people.........and then sometimes on my own...vulnerable with no one around.





he looked at me as i was glancing around with my water bottle, i held gaze, he continued walking.......but i felt very threatened by this stranger i didnt no.....and it aggrevated my ptsd....and i felt angry and aggressive afterwards as these things trigger past memories and aggression.





so the question is simply this;





as a 30 year old male, just trying to get on with his life....mind his own buisiness......control my aggression....work on my problems....lead a peaceful quiet life etc.





when a situation with a stranger like this arises how are you supposed to handle it without getting aggressive and confrontational ?





which could lead to more problems for me if i handle it wrong.





i felt threatened and provoked, and i dont want to ruin my life my starting a confrontation......i just want nothing to do with people like that.





in the past distant years, i used to experience hostile glances like this and i never used to know how to handle them....i used to have aggressive outbursts......cause alot of trouble , cause myself public embarressment etc.





ive not done that for many years...done very well...and want to keep it that way....waiting for therapy etc.





but when someone does that, obviously in far better shape than me...muscular....bigger than i am....glancing at me like ' have i got a problem '.......when im on my own riding my bike....these things i have big problems with.....and it ignites inner rage.





so how do you handle a situation like this ?|||Take it easy mate, Simple!|||You have listed what you think are explanations for your rage, but really it appears to be a littany excusing your behaviour. If you have such insight into the issues which trigger your 'rages' then you are on your way to make choices not to behave in certain ways. I take it you have adequate medication if you have been diagnosed with these problems?


And anger, rage is not a male preserve. If having an abusive, neglectful background based on powerlessness and being made to feel inadequate caused such feelings then so many women who make sure blood ran in the streets.


Instead of envying other people's life, look at it from a common sense point of view...by just looking at someone you can recognise if they have a better life than you? You have no idea what other people have gone through or are going through. You are not the only one on this planet who has had difficulties. Take some responsibility and realise that by irrationally acting on your impulses you are simply taking out your pain on completely 'innocent' others!


On the whole people do not 'give off' hostility. Mostly people want to be pleasant and get on with their life. Stop looking for conflict, and on the rare occasions it may find you, remember discretion is the better part of valour. Violence just escalates and breeds more...there is always someone bigger and stronger, so learn to avoid, walk away and diffuse any situation.