Please tell me what you think of the first section in my first chapter?

I have had some great help from people on this site and if you have been following my story I'll explain a little more. As mentioned before this is for Y/A and is a fantasy. My main character is Sam. She's a 17 year high school student (I know, not another high school student, but I refuse to make her a dropout.) She is a New Zealander who moved to Brentwood, Tennessee because her mother (who's American) wanted her to do her high school education in America. I chose Brentwood because I wanted to choose a place that offered football as a sport. I had visions of my charactor, Joshua, being a football player. After researching for a while I decided this town was a good setting for my story. Oh, by the way, even though Sam has a crush on Joshua - he will not end up being her love interest. I haven't decided yet if she will have one. If you want to know more, let me know.





Looking up at the billowing dark grey clouds in the sky, I jumped with fright when I heard a clap of thunder in the distance. The storm was getting closer. There was such an ominous feel to the day and I didn’t like being out in the open like this. My stomach tensed in expectation. I knew something bad was going to happen, but I didn’t know what. All I knew was that I wanted to get indoors – fast.


I cast my eyes around the park and noticed that everyone, the parents with their young children to the elderly who had been feeding the pigeons, had the same idea I had. Only they were acting on it. They were rushing to the park exit in droves, wanting to escape before the storm arrived. It wasn’t only humans that were affected by the atmosphere of the encroaching storm; even the park life fell curiously silent. I watched as squirrels escaped into their cozy homes, which were inside the coarse gnarly openings the trees that populated the park provided. I wished I was small enough to follow them.


I sniffed the air and knew that rain wasn’t too far away. I could cope with the rain. I could even cope with the harsh rumble of thunder. It was the lightning that terrified me, that made me break out in a cold sweat. It had ever since I was young. I shook my head. I couldn’t understand why the weather had turned so nasty. It was the middle of summer break and that meant it should be sunny. Not, I cast my eyes upwards, like this.


I lowered my eyes to glance at my best friend, Lydia Hudson, who was walking along the path beside me. I had been suffering from a headache and I had thought that the fresh air would help clear my head. She had offered to come along. The walk, as I had hoped had helped, but I had hoped to get home before the storm broke. I hated thunderstorms, hated them with a passion.


Lydia, on the other hand, loved every violent moment of it. Lydia had a streak of wildness that I thought came from her vivid auburn hair. It was wild and out of control, just like she was. She was only a tad shorter than I was, standing at five foot four. She had an impish face that was covered in freckles. She hated them, but it didn’t stop her from her perpetual state of happiness. She was slender and tended to wear vibrant colors that should have clashed badly, but somehow didn’t. I envied her.


I flinched as I saw lightning flash across the sky. It didn’t seem very far away from me. I increased my pace, nearly reaching out to drag Lydia along as well.


“Come on, Lydia.” I whimpered. “I want to get home before the storm really hits.” I was kicking myself for even suggesting going for a walk in the park. I should have just taken some painkillers for my headache and stayed at home.


“Oh, come on Sam, you should embrace the wildness.” She waved her hands towards the sky and surrounding area and twirled, before facing me again. I rolled my eyes at her, inhaling gently. I could smell a hint of oak that came from the trees that stood not far from where we were walking. Their branches were swaying gently in time with the gusts of wind that also blew hair across my face. I brushed the hair back so I could see Lydia clearly.


“I’ll embrace it all you like once I’m inside.” I retorted. “You know I’m scared of being outside in thunderstorms.” I scowled when all she did was laugh at me.


“Do you think Joshua McMillan is scared of thunderstorms?” Lydia teased.


I reached out to slap her, and missed, when she danced out of reach. “Don’t tease. You know he doesn’t even know I exist.” Joshua McMillan was a wide receiver for our school football team. He was always surrounded by the pretty girls, although weirdly he wasn’t going out with any of them. Lydia knew I had a massive crush on him. I jumped as another clap of thunder reached almost overhead.


“Ugh.” Lydia moaned, as seconds later the deluge of rain hit her, soaking her from head to toe within seconds.


“Ha.” I laughed nervously, looking up at the sky. Rain soaked my face. “You should have brought a jacket with you, like I to|||What an unneccessary comment Candy! Why bother? I think your story is good. Some parts are very well written and the characters are developing well. Perhaps a little more character development for your main character could come next.





It is also interesting and attention grabbing but a little cliche. Maybe you could add something unexpected and out of the ordinary.





All in all though, it is coming along well.





Good luck!|||theres no way im going to read a long and boring story like that.