My book, your opinions?

I put my hands inside my black coat. It was freezing under the moonlight on this cobbled street. My breath steamed ahead of me and my bangles kept chiming against each other, their song unnerving in the dark. I heard the clanking of a train crossing the bridge to my right but I paid barely any attention. I just wanted to get home.





In the corner of my eye as I crossed the park鈥檚 entrance, I saw light, bright light. It was a flickering street lamp. I decided to take a shortcut where I could see properly, though whether this path was shorter I didn鈥檛 know. As I walked through the black, metal gates through to the park I felt a sense of nervousness and a little bit of nausea. It increased when I heard footsteps behind me as I walked, and steam from warm breath coming from the same direction. I stopped dead where I was, and I heard no footsteps. I slowly turned, my breathing frantic.





There was nothing there. I left it up to paranoia but something was nagging me in the back of my mind. Turn back. Get out. NOW. So I turned to walk out. I heard the gate creaking so I walked faster. I stopped again, so I could see the gate, but at a distance. The light next to the gate was still flickering and every time it flickered on I saw a shrouded figure at the gate, which was now closed, chains around it. It snapped the padlock shut. I made my breathing stop so whatever it was wouldn鈥檛 know I was here. I backed away slowly.





After I was out of sight, and hopefully out of earshot, I ran. My heart was racing as fast as my feet. I was holding my bangles so I would make as little noise as possible. Every now and again I would hear the snap of twigs and the rustling of leaves behind the thick trunks of the golden autumn trees beside me.





I came to a fork in the path. There were three ways to go. Three very dark ways to go. I didn鈥檛 know this park and I didn鈥檛 want to be consumed by the darkness, where I couldn鈥檛 see anything following me, but I had to keep going. I chose the one on the right. I ran so fast that my legs started to ache but I didn鈥檛 dare stop. It was all trees, like the last path, but there was much less light. It terrified me. The leaves crunched under my feet. I slowed down, attempting to control my frenetic heart.





I stopped, my hands on my thighs, gasping for breath that I didn鈥檛 think my lungs could even bear. I looked up, to see a lake, surrounded by wooden fencing. On any other occasion I might have thought that it was beautiful, the way the moonlight reflected on to the ripples to form a natural light show, but now it just looked like something to be drowned in. I heard something that made me bite my lip. Hard. It was footsteps. They were light but each time I heard the leaves crunch it was extremely torturous. The confusing and utterly petrifying thing was that the footsteps were approaching me the way I was headed. One of the forks must鈥檝e lead back round to this path.





Crunch, crunch, crunch. Then, it stopped. I was brave enough to go forward, looking at whatever was visible. I froze again when I saw a shadow. It was still. I looked to my left, where the lake had thinned a little. There was a bridge. I couldn鈥檛 see into the tunnel of the bridge. It was concealed by painted wooden walls. The shadow was leading in to this bridge. I swallowed, my throat dry. I tiptoed, trying to avoid any fallen leaves. Our shadows were now crossing.





I turned to look into the bridge鈥檚 tunnel, but 鈥?and this chilled me to my very core 鈥?nothing was there. I felt something not far behind me. This thing had been watching me all along, waiting. It hissed in my ear and took hold of my hand, pulling me into the darkness.





I woke up the next morning at the bottom of the hill in the park, my heart pounding, my head spinning. I felt sick. I sat up to find out that I had been lying in a pool of cold blood, my arms and wings stained red. It smelt sickly and was sticky to the touch. It wasn鈥檛 my own. Something fell on my face. It felt like snow but didn鈥檛 melt. I looked up. Grey fragments falling from a smoky sky. It was ash. Looking round, I saw fire, blood and human bodies. Scattered. I stood up, brushing the ash from my white hair with my hand. I trudged up the hill and out of the park, coated in mud, blood and grass. Last night felt just like a dream. A dream I鈥檇 had a few nights before last. I didn鈥檛 see the ash or feel it falling on my face. It was exactly like my dream.





I ran to the gate and saw that it had been forced open, half-hanging off its hinges, the chain ripped to pieces and scattered on the floor. I flew over the wreck and walked aimlessly, trying to find where I was. I was nowhere near home, yet the park had looked the same as in my dream. This was terribly confusing.





There was what seemed as though it used to be a river, but was now filled with something other than water. Bodies, piled up to the brim, stretching as far as I could see. A mass grave without the soil.|||Hi! Thanks so much for being nice to me in that earlier question, means a lot. :) Well, I really really like this. I think it's pretty amazing. You have such great description, and I wish there was more to read. I'm not a very good critiquer, so I don't really have any suggestions, but since no one answered I thought it would be better than nothing :) Good luck!|||What I read of the story is okay but the writing is not. You have started too many sentences with I and have to many passive verbs. You're telling the story and you need to show. You should try writing this in third person. As it is written now, I have no concept of who this character is. I became bored after the 4th paragraph and didn't read anymore. I don't even know if the character is male or female, 12 years old or 38.





consider this:





Maggie slipped her hands back into the pockets of brother's black wool coat. Although eighteen years older than her meager twenty years, it kept her warm from the freezing night air. Moonlight guided her along the cobbled street, her breath billowing out in puffs of white. The sound of her bangles clinked, their song unnerving in the dark. The clanking of a train crossing the bridge joined the clinking, but Maggie ignored the sound. She just wanted to be at home, snuggled in her favorite chair with a cup of cocoa.





Hope this gives you an idea of what I mean. Try to paint a picture with your words so the reader can envision the scene.





Good luck.