I'm writing a novel entitled 'THE ROAD TO LOVE". I intend it to be romanse/detective. Here is my first scene in the first chapter. Please comment on it.
Monalisa stood stone-cold in her tracks. She opened her mouth wide in disbelief while fixing her eyes on a crack in the curtains. Her heart skipped a beat.
She quickly wiped her face in case her eyes were cheating her. No, it was reality. She saw two figures closing in on each other for an annoying embrace. She then saw the figures kissing and finally disappearing below the window.
As her astonishment rapidly turned into frustration, then anger, she threw down the flowers she was carrying for Olivetti and trampled on them. She fished out a birthday card from her handbag and tore it to countless minute pieces.
She tried to repress the urge to cry out loud. But when she noticed she could no longer hold it, she ran to her Starlet parked on the dark roadside where she broke into tears. After some minutes, convinced that she had regained control of herself, she removed her high-heeled shoes and tip-toed to his bedroom window.
As she listened to what was happening inside, her nose started running while endless tears rolled down her cheeks, this time at high velocity. “Olivetti, what have I done to deserve this treatment? Don’t you notice that my heart has been longing for you, more than anyone else in this world?” Her mouth formed the words but no sound would come.
While she was engrossed in soul-searching, she suddenly heard a female voice from the bedroom.
“Now, tell me, what’s the news all about?” the female voice said.
“Olivetti and your husband,” answered the man.
The fact that the man with the woman was not Olivetti pacified her but the mention of his name aroused her curiosity. She wondered why and how the strangers got into his house. She ****** her ears wide open to grasp even the faintest sound to hear the news.
“What about them?” the female voice asked.
“No, not now. I’ll tell you tomorrow,” said the male voice.
“Why? Alex, please.”
“Because I’ve noticed that you can’t stand the news. You’ll pass out.”
“I can stand it, whatever it is. Look into my face.”
“No, you can’t.”
“But we agreed you’d afterwards tell me the news, and this is the time. Remember?”
“Yes, but the assumption was that you’d be ready to take it.”
“You don’t trust me, do you?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then tell me now.”
“Give me a glass of water first.”
“Alex, why are you teasing me?”
“I’m not teasing you. I’m just too thirsty,” he said. “Water first.”
“All right.”
Monalisa could hear footsteps inside the room fading into the distance, away from the window. After some seconds she heard the footsteps returning to the original position in the room. She glued her ears to the window in marked anticipation. She could hear the man greedily guzzling the water as if he had been thirsty for days.
“Tell me the news, darling,” the woman said.
“O.K, since you insist. But let me ask you first, does your husband love you?”
“Why do you ask that question?”
“Between you and his son Olivetti, who does he love more?” he asked, apparently ignoring her question.
“Alex, please, just come to the point!” she exclaimed.
“He has written a will.”
“What? Why on earth?”
“The point isn’t ‘why he has written it’, my dear, but rather ‘to whose benefit,” he said and paused as if to ensure the words sank in her. “He has given literally everything to him.”
“What about me and my daughter?”
“Nothing .”
“Oh! my goodness. After all that I have done for him and his lazy bastard son? I didn’t know he could be so heartless and ungrateful.”
Monalisa could hear her breaking into sobs. She momentarily felt sorry for her and her daughter. She too wondered why Olivetti’s father had decided to disinherit them.
“And as if that isn’t enough, he has a life insurance policy largely in favour of his son. You know what’s at stake? Millions of Naira,” said Alex.
“Alex, do you have proof of all this?”
“Do you distrust me? You know how close I’m to your husband. If you still insist on evidence, find me at the usual place tomorrow at 9am.”
“Is he not flirting with girls? I no longer trust him.”
“I won’t comment on that, my dear. Because if I say the truth you will go mad.”
“Oh! my goodness. What should I do?”
“Relax, everything is under control. Just leave that to me. My only advice as of now is that you seal your mouth,” he said.
“But how can I?”
“You have to learn to.”
Upon hearing that conversation, Monalisa was gripped with fear for the safety of her beloved and his father. Her heart beat started racing while sweat trickled down like rain. Now that she heard the news, she didn’t know how to handle it. She had to sit down at her home and think over it. But in any case, she thought, she had to protect him at all cost.
In the meantime, she couldn’t hear the rest of the conversation inside. She only suddenly heard a shout from a young boy standing on the veranda of a house adjacent |||No. Here's a few things that I have issues with:
1. Olivetti is a name of a minor, yet important character in the book 'Angels and Demons'. I realize that you're going with Italian names but this one is too close for comfort. Original names are key if you want your readers to get a feel for the character instead of comparing them to one they've read before.
2. Cut the dialogue. All of it. It would add a lot more mystery if you kept this conversation a secret and forced the reader to keep reading in order to understand what exactly was going on.
3. I agree with the answer above that you need to show, not tell. For instance, the phrase "She momentarily felt sorry for her and her daughter. She too wondered why Olivetti’s father had decided to disinherit them" would be better written as "She felt a pang of pity, but curiosity kept her ear glued to the window".
4. Like point #3, its very wordy. Condense and edit out what isn't necessary. We don't truly need to know the motives of every single character right in the opening chapter. These things are best revealed gradually.|||Nope. Not at all.|||Show, don't tell. Begin with the following paragraph, it's the only compelling one and states the story goal. Then work in back story and what the conversation was about.
"Upon hearing the conversation, Monalisa was gripped with fear for the safety of her beloved and his father. Her heart beat started racing while sweat trickled down like rain. Now that she heard the news, she didn’t know how to handle it. She had to sit down at her home and think over it. But in any case, she thought, she had to protect him at all cost."
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